Ten years of motherhood.

I have been really mindful lately of myself as a mom.  I have also been more aware of the titles and roles that we tend to label ourselves, based on society's perceptions of us and how we, in turn, relate those perceptions into our own 'truths.' More often than not, I have been aiming to step away from those roles, recognizing that, in my own 'idea' of myself, they do not define me. For example, how often are we asked upon first meeting someone: "what do you do for a living?" I take that question often two ways. First, it places a strong emphasis on what we do as a job, which in turn places us in 'categories' based on that role.  Secondly, asking that question has the potential for someone to perceive that their worth in society, and ultimately as a human being, lies in where they rank in terms of contributing to a capitalist society.  Those are my musing, and I'm sticking with them. ;)

All this to say, I, by social standards, fit into many roles. And to completely do a 180 and turn the above musings on their head, I must say that the role in my life in which I embrace fully is that of a mother.  The opportunity that has been placed in my hands to assist in not only creating but really, developing a human being is mind-blowing. No one tells you this when you are expecting a child. At least, I missed the memo.

No one told me that, for all of the hours of nursing and pacing with a screaming baby, there would be that times infinity hours of worrying that I am instilling proper values in their hearts.

No one told me that, for all of the tears I cried through sleepless nights and chapped nipples, there would be hours upon hours of tears shed even thinking about their future heartaches and tough lessons to be learned.

No one told me that for the countless baby belly laughs and juicy, wet baby kisses, there would be even more inward smiles of gratitude and appreciation as I recall conversations in which their beautiful character and abundant soul was extremely prevalent. 

What I was told was that it would be hard, it would be frustrating, and at a times, I might want nothing more than to retreat into blissful silence.  And they were right.  I have been full of frustrations, I have wondered how I will get through another day as a mother and I have most certainly locked myself in the only room with a lock (the bathroom) on numerous occasions with a glass of wine or a box of kleenex. 

And somehow, time rolls on.  I eventually leave my bathroom oasis and step back into the chaos that is motherhood. And, now that the kids are getting older the type of chaos is shifting.  While there are ample arguments happening often, the true chaos is within myself.  

As our oldest turns ten years old this weekend, I have been overwhelmed.  So overcome with emotion and concerns, but also extreme happiness and pride, that I found myself breaking down in tears at the photo center recently while I printed pictures of our oldest through the years.  As images of her popped through the instant photo machine one at a time, I was immediately whisked away to her birth, her first birthday, and her silly toothless grin.  

Instead of feeling this sense of overwhelm and doing whatever I can to relieve myself of it, I am trying to sit with it. 

I am completely awe-struck that somehow, ten years has come and gone. I know that is such a cliche comment. Hear me out. As I have shifted so much in my sense of myself within the last ten years (as we all have, certainly), here is this human being that was brand - new and has somehow moved along in life to this point.  This human being and incredible soul who has already established her morals and her character.  While I can see that her beliefs, that are unique and true to her, are being formed, who she truly is as as individual has been established.  That is some powerful stuff!

While I don't feel that it's my place to discuss her character or morals (that is her jam!) I feel comfortable and confident in saying that she is an incredibly bad-ass person.  In the absolute best way.

She makes me laugh, sometimes harder than anyone else, which still surprises me sometimes as she can be quite quiet.  And the conversations we have! I feel so blessed that I can be a part of some incredibly juicy, thoughtful and amazing conversations with an almost ten year old, with the soul of someone much older.

As a mother of an almost ten year old, I feel that I can safely say one thing about my experience of motherhood so far: 

Always, always be mindful that the conversations you have with your child, and the ones with yourself and others (that they hear!) are saturated in truth, empathy and understanding.

I heard a great quote once about parenting and it has become my informal 'motto' ever since: 

"raise your children not for the type of child that you want them to become, but for the type of adult that you hope they will be."

That's a lot of friggan pressure as a parent! But, in my mind and heart, that is the best kind of pressure to have.  To be responsible for holding space and having conversations for our children that, in turn, create more empathetic and authentic adults is just what this world needs. 

And without getting 'braggy', I am pretty confident that our almost ten year old is well on her way.

xo

Ange

  A photo of a photo - 34 weeks pregnant (Feb. 2008)

More than ever.....

More than ever before I have begun to peel back the layers of myself: what I thought I knew, who I thought I was.  Perhaps it’s the recognition of time; embarking slowly but surely into my mid-30’s – which has allowed me to reflect on my life thus far and also into the future.

More than ever before I am stepping unapologetically into my truth. I have craved this and began to accept that, it is only when I dig deep and strip away what is not benefiting me will my truths come to the surface.  They have no choice; I see that when my sense of self is layered with falseness, the purity that is me is tucked away.  And perhaps, for some parts of my life that was “necessary”, almost like a coping mechanism.  But perhaps in saying that, I am making excuses.   Regardless, I am valuing myself now more than ever and along with that, the acceptance of letting go what – if I can be honest – I knew deep down was not serving me.

More than ever I am aligning my passions with my daily life; my interactions, my daydreams, my work, my past-times, my relationships and so on.  I am making a true effort in recognizing and understanding deeply that my passions are not going to align with others, just as theirs I may not align with.  What I am understanding is that, that has zero significance in being a decent and compassionate human being.  It should take zero effort to be a kind person, regardless of one’s beliefs, ideas or stances; it should just be a natural process.  And yet, I have witnessed so much hate and anger, which I believe powerfully comes from a place of misunderstanding.  This misunderstanding comes from a place of ignorance, and I don’t say this to point the finger.  Rather, I intend to acknowledge and bring forth this idea that, when one does not align with another’s ideas or opinions, the popular alternative is to project anger and often downright hate.  I encourage us all (myself included – this is such a learning process) to recognize that, even when we don’t agree we can be respectful. One doesn’t have to “get” another’s points of views in order to say “I hear you, what you are saying and feeling is valuable – thank you for bringing that aspect to the subject.”  How profound – can you imagine if we all discussed our differences this way?

 More than ever I am realizing and owning my passions – and also realizing that these shift as I do.  This realization in itself could warrant an entire post, that would result in many pages surely, but for now I will say that I have been keenly aware of the injustices all around us.  School has opened my eyes to the many, many social injustices within our society.  More so, it has allowed me to become profoundly aware of my “blinders”; with no judgement, just awareness.  I have become very aware and passionate about compassion for all life – humans, animals, the environment. Truly, I have felt this welcoming shift towards recognizing the deep impact that our indifferences and ignorance has on each other as well as all other beings on earth.  These are teachings that cannot be un-taught, regardless of how hard it may be emotionally to understand.  I write these words because I have begun to understand where I was turning a blind eye, so to speak – and if you are ready and willing – I softly encourage you to do the same.  Not only am I recognizing the grave importance of stripping away my blinders to the injustices of the world, but also am I seeing the significance in understanding that, while we all certainly don’t come to the same conclusions, we can be soft but firm with our own deep-seated values.

More than ever I am realizing the importance of connecting with others in a deep and valuable way; in hearing their stances and views, acknowledging their fears and concerns, and holding space when needed, without any reservations or motives.  In addition, I am recognizing the value in protecting one self and understanding that not all situations, conversations or people in general may be in our best interest and that should be ok.  I am learning in my own experiences that, along with recognizing the value in (often painfully) stepping away from particular situations, there are often times in which others are going to do the same in regards to myself.  I am familiar with the old patterns of hurt that of course will rise to the surface.  However, I am also coming to be aware of the value for all involved in mindfully releasing expectations and also being ok with “agreeing to disagree” – how powerful!

 Ultimately, I am beginning to realize what an honour it is to have the time and resources available to ponder these notions, have these revelations and dig deeper into research and ideas that are lighting a fire within me.  What a blessing it is to not only begin to unravel my desires, goals and passions but to be able to do so in a safe, secure and information-bountiful space.  I ask you, friends – with the resources and time available to you, what lights your fire?

The crystals in all of us.

I had a sit with myself recently and asked a serious question: ‘when I am older, hopefully rocking in a rocking chair alongside sweet hubby and reflecting on my life thus far, what do I want to remember?’ Quite easily being with my loved ones as much as possible was at the top of my list – no brainer.  However, I sat longer with this question and 4 words came up effortlessly: dancing – writing – connecting – nature.

As I sat on this longer, I realized that out of those 4 things, there isn’t one that I can confidently say I am delving into with all my being.  I connect with loved ones, but not as much as I would like.  Same goes for connecting deep within.  The same with nature.  Artistically, I love writing but don’t do it nearly as much, unless it’s for a university course.  And dancing.  Oh, dancing.  Aside from some kitchen ensembles, I don’t do that either.  All four of these things give me such joy.  And so, as I reflected on this I began to wonder why.  What was it – physically or mentally – that was preventing me from doing any of these things that makes my heart soar?

Nothing.  There is nothing that I can confidently say is preventing me from allowing my heart to soar with dancing, writing, connecting with people on a deeper level and being in nature more.  And at the same time, somewhere along the way I have told myself that I need more to do these things.  Specifically, more time.

Our days are so full with so many wonderful things.  I have been extremely blessed to be pursuing school and a passion.  I love that I can volunteer my time and energy to beings and ideas that I love.  I have begun working part time with individuals that are so lovely and inspiring.  I teach yoga to amazing individuals who come back week after week who, if I can be honest teach me more than I probably teach them.  All of these incredible projects and people that I get to spend my days with certainly take up a lot of time.  But you know what?  They don’t take it all.  There is still time to dance and write and connect and be in nature – perhaps even all in one afternoon!  I don’t need to choose one over the other.

I don’t need to choose to be artistic over school.  I don’t need to choose volunteering my time over working for an income.  I don’t need to choose spending time with loved ones over sitting down and writing for half and hour.  For me, it is about sitting with myself and truly understanding what is needed.  Of course, many days require me to be somewhere at certain parts of the day and that is perfectly fine.  In fact, if I can be honest, it can be very fulfilling and rewarding to devote some of my energy and time to other people and projects in which my desires and needs are not at the core. 

Being a part of something bigger; something in which we are all contributing in our own way – what an incredible thing. To attend university and be swept up in the hustle and bustle of life that appears way to young for me, then to go home and tuck in my children and read them a book – how incredible is that?  While it has certainly taken some adjusting to wearing “many hats” and there are many a’ days in which I allow feelings of overwhelm to sweep over me, I allow myself to acknowledge that those feelings are legit and are asking something of me – to listen.  

Typically, it means stepping back from something for a little bit and I have been learning to be ok with that.  

There is a way to say ‘no’ in a loving and kind way, especially when it means I am staying authentic in myself.  As a self-proclaimed “people pleaser” I too often can say ‘yes’ to things that I know in my heart are not feasible.  What ends up happening is disappointment: from myself for not respecting and listening to my gut, and often from the other party for not being able to fully commit and/or having to back out last minute. 

It is never worth burning the candle from both ends.  Instead, I am embracing the soft, vibrant light from within – the sort of light that is flickering comfortingly and encouragingly – reminding me that, I can and deserve to pursue my passions while also embracing the flow of life.  There doesn’t need to be a choice between one or the other.  Some days I might choose to wear my student hat, other days my yoga teacher hat, and perhaps other days it’s all about the dance hat, adorned with a sweat band and leg warmers of course.

Either way, the choice is mine. What a beautiful thing.  At the end of the day, the choice is ours.

  I encourage you to find your balance between your amazing passions and your source of income (if they don’t happen to align at this moment) and be ready to step into your authentic self.  

I am feeling very inspired by a wonderful woman on YouTube named Maria Forleo, in which she recently talks of this very thing; of balancing work and passion.  I know for myself I have gotten caught up in finding work that is both.  While that is happening slowly for me, that may not and certainly hasn’t always been the case.  

It may not always be possible (at least right away) to find work in a space in which you feel extremely passionate.  Don’t give up on your passions.  I encourage you deeply to keep taking those art classes, the horse back riding lessons – whatever it is that fuels your fire. 

  The world needs janitors, appliance repair people, store clerks and arborists.  We also need doctors, entrepreneurs of all types, inspirational writers and screen actors.  We are all intertwined in this web of connectedness and every chance we are handed to connect, I want to be able to. 

Further, the world needs passion, I feel deeply now more than ever.  We need to see and be inspired and awed by dentists who are also incredible mimes, school teachers who are also theatre actors and street sweepers who are also healers. 

  We need to recognize in ourselves and others that, we have so many shiny, amazing and inspiring sides, similar to a crystal.  Each part of us shines its own light and doesn’t find the need to compete with the other.  It just does its things – being amazing and authentic.  That is what we need.

So, beloved people – I ask you to embrace all the amazing parts of yourself.  I ask you to sit and think about your passions that you may not presently be fulfilling.  And instead of being hard on yourself or finding all the reason why you haven’t, I encourage you to think of that one amazing reason why it may be worth stepping into.  By saying ‘yes’ to taking a bit of extra time to live your passion (even an hour a week!), think of the people you will likely inspire: your colleagues, your family, your children – yourself.

Lots of Love

Ange

Grief.

25 days ago we lost our dog, Dez.  I initially wondered if I should write about her, as I have become extremely aware of whom I write about, feeling deeply that, unless I am granted permission, no one else’s life is for me to talk about.  For those that know me personally, it may be no surprise to read that this particularly remains true about my kids.  I am aware of how this may appear to others however I have held strong to my deep belief on this matter.

So, while Dez was our boxer dog that we had the pleasure of having in our lives for 11 years, she was also a family member.  She was (and still is) someone who had an old soul, wise eyes and the intuition to know when someone needed a snuggle or deep stare in their eyes.  Because she was (and again, still is) a true member of our family, I hesitated writing about her – sharing her story of her life is perhaps something that I am not permitted to do, if I allow myself to remain true to the same ethics and beliefs that I hold true for other members of my “tribe.”  And yet, here I am – and while I offer no excuse as to why I am choosing to write about her, I will say this: I feel that it may help me heal.  I also feel that it may help others, even if it is just to be acknowledgment that you are not alone.  And lastly, I feel that Dez would be okay with me talking about her life and death, for I am doing so with nothing but gratitude, respect and love.

I am still navigating through the grief that has come with losing Dez.  June 30^th 2016 we made the painful decision to euthanize.  I am realizing that, while we had very dear friends and family make the same painful decisions, it never really occurred to me that we would have to do the same.  I held onto the notion that when it was her time, Dez would pass naturally.  I guess I just wanted it to be that way, more than anything.

Without getting into the still painful details of her death, I know it is important to be honest and say that I question our decision now.  I think that this questioning comes along with the process of grief that I am in, and I am also aware that my husband does not share this questioning.  And for a brief bit, I began to wonder WHY I was feeling how I felt about our decision.  One of the most important lessons that Dez has taught me since her death is that grief is SO different for everyone – there is absolutely no right way to muddle through the process – and the idea that there are steps in this process, I feel, is useless.  All I know for sure is that, since her death almost 4 weeks ago, I teeter between feeling almost at peace with her death, to questioning our decision – which with it comes a slew of other uncomfortable emotions like guilt and anxiety.

Even today I was sitting out back in quiet and the moment I thought of her and said her name I felt what I can explain to be like a shock – a zip – of so many things: anxiety, doubt and sadness.  I heard someone say something about her losing her dog and it really has stuck with me as I too am feeling similarly: “I am not sure how to process her death.”  I feel undoubtedly the same: my mind feels stuck in the notion that Dez is gone and that it was due to our decision.  Of course, I know that we made the decision to euthanize with her well being and quality in life at the very forefront of our minds.  I know this, I do.  But to make the decision that will result in not having her drive home with us is something I still struggle with. 

We actually just drove by the clinic in which we last saw her breathe and I didn’t realize how hard it would affect me.  I was filled with a rush of anxiety and sadness.  On the way home, I purposely took a different route.  As the universe would have it, we had no choice (literally, unless we wanted to drive way out of our way) to drive by the space the very next day (which was yesterday).  And while the anxiety crept up again, this time I was able to at least allow myself to look at it.

And so back to this feeling of being stuck in not knowing how to process her death – we chose to have her cremated and I stare at her urn constantly, trying to wrap my head around the idea that it is her physical being in there and I can’t.  I can’t. 

My mind goes to her last physical moments with us. I relive the hesitation I felt when, after they administered some sleep meds she ate some treats from them.  She hadn’t eaten anything in days – and her appetite had dramatically decreased in the past month to the point where she was half her weight.  I felt a rush of anxiety and questioning.  She was eating!  Was she telling me something?  I voiced something to that nature with the vet and they assured me that it could be her “nervous energy” that was allowing her to eat something.  And within seconds she has spit out probably half of what she has consumed.  But that has stayed with me.

My mind goes to how quickly her heart stopped.  How I was so afraid that I would hear that “last gasp” they spoke about.  But instead she slipped from a deep sleep to an “eternal sleep”.  It literally took seconds.  I think about how I had to finally get off that floor and leave her in the room with a kind woman – but someone she had never met before.

My mind goes to her body after her death.  I have been encouraged by loved ones to “not think about that” but my mind goes there and I can’t – and won’t – force it not to.  I think about how long they might have kept her body in that room before moving her to continue on with their day with healthy dogs coming into the room after her.  I sob as I think about her body in the “back shed” of the clinic (yes, I asked where she would be) before she would be picked up later that day by the cremation company – “luckily today was the day they were doing their rounds”.  I think about if she was in the van with other beautiful souls that had also recently passed, and if so if they all atleast had their own space.

My mind goes to six days later when we were able to see her body again.  Six days.  That was the first opening they had to have her privately cremated.  During that time we were grieving, crying, remembering and trying to cope.  We were walking around the back yard looking for any signs of her physical existence – her poop that we used to curse, her tiny black hairs that got stuck in everything – anything.  And then we saw her again and I lost it.  I think about how the room smelled (we did a private viewing of her body) – a mix of dog, perfume and chemicals.  I remember how she looked so peaceful but I just wanted her to wake up.  I expected her to just pop her head up at hearing our voices.  I think about how, when we were finally ready, the wheeled her into the crematory. 

I stare at the small tree that we planted in the back yard ; “the Dez tree” the day of her death.  I remember telling hubby a few days after as I looked at this tiny seedling, trying desperately to survive the intense heat and lack of rain – that all I was suddenly filled with rage. I was looking at this tree that in some way represented Dez and all I wanted to do was punch it.  I can type that with a small smile on my face, as I know how silly it sounds – and yet in the at moment I was filled with rage and that poor little tree.  It wouldn’t replace her.

And now, weeks later I am still processing.  These images, these thoughts, these memories whirl around in my head on repeat.  I sit with tremendous guilt – not just surrounding her death but in thoughts of her life too.  I yelled at her too much.  I didn’t snuggle her enough.  I didn’t have enough pictures of her around the house.  She would often be home alone for hours upon hours.  This guilt is enough to consume me.  And I know, before anyone tells me – I know that we gave her a great life.  I know that the good memories far outweigh the heavy ones.  Truly, I know.  But I also know that in this moment, I am feeling the heavier memories and the feelings that come with them.  I understand that, the processing of her death is a lot different for me that with other people who loved her as much as I did.  And I also know that for other people who have lost a loved one (person or animal), their process may have been far different from mine.  And finally, I have come to know that not everyone is going to “get” this grief.  It is not for anyone else to understand.  That has been a big one for me.

All my life I have felt the need to be understood. I have stood insecurely in my shoes with this idea that, unless someone else “gets” me, what I am feeling or thinking or saying has no meaning.  Crazy, I know.  I see that now.  Yet one other amazing thing that Dez has taught me.  This grief journey is mine.  It is not even remotely similar to other people who have also lost Dez.  And I no longer question that.  As sticky and uncomfortable and dark as it can be, I am making a conscious decision and effort to muddle through all that comes with losing a loved one – the guilt, the questioning, the anxiety – it all.

And that is not to say that there haven’t been uplifting moments these last few weeks.  Sharing stories, memories and pictures of Dez has been so comforting and amazing.  On a group I am on devoted to boxer lovers, I posted her photo and received hundreds of people loving on her, commenting on her and even sharing her beautiful face. I think she would be okay with that.  Dez brought so many people love and happiness.  For anyone that I know personally and that had the pleasure of getting to know Dez, thank you for being a part of her life.  There were some amazing messages and comments I received that, to be truthful, took me days to read as I would break down crying.  Little blurbs about memories of Dez that others have.  It’s a beautiful thing.

There is a saying I came across when were planning our wedding: “To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.” – I adore this.  In this process of grief and acceptance I hold onto this.  To know that, even on our darkest days the sun is still warming us – with love from others, that come with amazing memories and that comes from within.  I also find deep comfort in knowing that, if we never had Dez in our lives and if we hadn’t loved her so deeply, the pain wouldn’t be this raw and hard.  Also knowing that processing loss and grief is a journey – and one that can only lead to strength and beauty.

While we no longer physically hear the clanking of her toe nails on the floor, her little prints are always with us. With those sweet paws, she danced on our hearts, has left some more depth on our souls and for that, we will never be the same – and I will be forever, eternally grateful.

In honour and loving memory of Desiray (Dez).  You will forever be remembered as the patient (you had three babies climb all over you, after all), hyper, compassionate, wise and soothing being that we were blessed to have in our lives.

As we whispered to you over and over as you took your last breaths: “thank you.”

 

Windy Tuesday thoughts, desires and hopes xo

Today I am reminded that life is fleeting.  This is not a foreign concept to most of us however, how often do we really stop to truly absorb the true meaning of this powerful notion.  I honestly feel as though this thought – and further, this true sense of knowing – is what is motivating me to move forward, to inspire, be inspired, create, learn.  This deep knowing that, at any moment in time I will be a memory on this earth and the people still on it.  While it is an absolutely terrifying notion – it is also one that I have been deeply aware of for the past year and half or so.

I know this because I can recall exactly when it began for me.  My apologies if I have already talked briefly about this, however I feel the deep need to mention it again.  In our area there lived a wonderful woman named Nicola Jones who was a news broadcaster.  She lived a life that was full of gratitude, connection and inspiration.  She passed away at a young age, after a health battle.  Even though I did not know her personally, her life affected me profoundly.  I recall attending a yoga class at Moksha in Dundas, Ontario where all proceeds went to her service.  I recall being utterly swept away with emotions during the end of class – sadness, gratitude, the desire to live a fuller life.  And then I experienced a whisper of a tickle on my arm – at the moment that I was contemplating taking my yoga experience to the next level ( becoming a yoga instructor). I immediately enrolled to begin my training in January of 2015.

And I experienced guilt, especially at the beginning of training – my thoughts went a lot like this: “I hope Al is ok with the kids – how could I leave them all weekend?!” “How are we going to pay back this loan for this??” “What if I am not a good enough teacher at the end of this to make money?” – and I went around in circles.

Long story short, by the end of the training, my guilt had vanished.  My self-worth began to increase.  My love of yoga intensified.  My love of my body and what I was putting into my body grew.  And you know what?  Al did wonderfully with the kids all those weekends I was away.  I have also made back what it cost to train as a yoga teacher very quickly.  And now, I am beyond honoured and blessed to lead some amazing souls through their Monday evening practise.

And then not long after that training finished, I began my university student experience at McMaster University.  And truly I have not felt a shred of guilt.  What I have learned already since September has truly enhanced my experience as a mother, wife, and fellow human being -  through taking lectures in sociology to anthropology and indigenous studies.  I have a deep desire to continue my studies, eventually earning a degree in which I can fully make the impact on this earth that I have always hoped and desired.  And that has all come from laying in savasana a few days after a fellow mama’s passing.  A fellow woman with hopes and desires and commitments and goals.  A being on this planet who inspired and was inspired.  In that sweaty hot yoga room I was reminded of something profound: it is never too late.  We are never too old or not smart enough or don’t have enough time or can’t find the resources.  We get from this universe exactly what we put out there.  I truly believe that.

And so.  In this fleeting, often hectic, sometimes disheartening but always inspiring world, it is my deepest hope that I always remember to create – manifesting my desires, new friendships, art (in its many forms), deep connections and above all, my soul purpose(s).  I think there is something very assuring and inspiring in knowing that we all have an impact on this earth.  And what I have learned in the last year and a half or so is that, in order to fully step into our amazingness, our truth and our purpose, we need to be open to it.  Fully open.  Not just sort of open to it, kind of afraid of the changes that will be required, but rather fully, beautifully and authentically open. 

Often lately I have this image of myself that will appear out of no where, where I am standing with my arms spread wide, my head flung back and my heart fully exposed.  I am yelling, with my soul: “I am ready to step into my full self!”  No more waiting for the “right” moment, more money, to be done school first, to have a more secure job, etc.  NOW is all that we have – and it is all that we will ever have.

I used to think that I couldn’t wait to be done school, for many reasons but mainly to inspire my kids.  While that still holds truth, it is no longer truth #1.  My full, authentic truth is this: I can’t wait to finish school to fulfill a deep desire of MINE.  I can’t wait to walk across the stage and be able to soak in an enormous amount of self-love, respect and appreciation.  I will succeed because I believe that I will.  But first, way before that day, I will take in all the lessons, the experiences, the tools along the way.  Oh, and I guess it wouldn’t hurt to also see what the professors know. ;)

All my deepest love on this windy Tuesday morning.

Please be kind to yourself – and patient, and loving – you are coming home to yourself. xo

                        A blurry but still beautiful partial view from my window today. So blessed.

Leg warmers, Stevie Nicks and howling with my soul

Lately I have been stepping into something incredible – something that has proven already to be so beyond what I imagined.  It has allowed me to truly embrace the juicy bits of myself – and has encouraged me not to label any part: no good, no bad, no so-so, no can be better.  Just this delicious, vibrant amazingness.  I have stepped into myself. 

Thinking of it now, it seems almost as if I have literally stepped into my being – I can see this imagery of my true, authentic self standing beside my body – watching with love and being ever so patient.  This body that has endeared so much – growth, pregnancy, childbirth, the repercussions of an anxious mind. This body that has been crying out for a long time to be heard – to be recognized – to be loved.  And so, somewhere between fine tuning my academic skills (into my second semester of my first year of university!) and stopping to feel the pause between each inhale and exhale, I came home to myself. 

In this time, my journey has remained as it has always been- mine.  However, now I am much more aware of what is hidden beautifully between the lines.  And really, when I stop to fully ponder it, it would appear that it has never been hidden – rather, it has been waiting for me to acknowledge its beautiful presence since I have been here on earth – just like my true self has been waiting.  For really, they are one in the same.  This “hidden” piece of the beautiful Angela puzzle is this: I am enough.  I am enough.  I AM ENOUGH.  

How beautiful are those three words?  How differently they look to me now.  How differently they sound as I utter them – first as a quiet rumble, then erupting into full blown howling.  You are enough.  We are enough.

I will absolutely no longer apologize for my feelings.  I will not succumb to others emotions, thoughts or feelings about me or anyone else that do not reflect my own truth.  I will not spend any more of my beautiful physical existence on this earth worrying/obsessing/wondering how I am viewed or perceived.  No more.

What I want to focus on is what I DO want – what I CAN have.  As I have been incredibly aware of lately is that, in order to fully achieve my deepest desire’s and goals, it is beneficial for me to focus on what I DO want in this life.  Not what I don’t want – for, wherever we send our energy, the universe matches and sends us more of.  So, in saying that I don’t want something, I may actually be creating more of it.  That beautiful tidbit of deliciousness is sitting very powerfully with me right now.

And so.  I actively CHOOSE to participate in a life of pure gratitude and love. – first and foremost for myself.  I shower myself until I am soaking wet with a sparkling white light that is completely saturated with love, acceptance, honour and respect.  I choose to live in a world in which I am attracted to like minded people, but I also accept and love and appreciate those that have different opinions than mine, for those people tend to be the best teachers in this life. 

  I choose to surround myself with people, energy and vibrations that match my own. I choose to live a life in which I have the self love and confidence to walk my own path - confident in its often quick and unexpected turns and twists. 

  I shower those I love and hold dear to my heart with constant love and gratitude.  I believe in myself enough to step back when the time is asking for it, to lovingly examine where I currently am, and if it is still speaking to my soul.  I will love with a deep fierceness.

  I will dance crazy, I will sing loudly and I will swear like a mother fucker.  I will pull up my leg warms, adjust my over sized t shirt and belt along to Stevie Nicks, if the feeling is strong to do so.

I will appreciate my pale legs, freckly face and knobbly elbows.  I will love my small breasts, cellulite bum and pointy chin.  Every inch of my physical body matches my thoughts, my vibrations.  And I can say, that currently my vibrations are SCREAMING to be heard.  I can feel this stirring inside me that is saying: now! 

  No more time to wait.  Those dreams and goals that I talk about, think about, write about: they are waiting NOW.  I am listening, sweet soul.

  I am finally listening.

Only One.

This is my own chance at this life.  This is it.  I never know when it will come to an end.  And at the end of the day, what do I want to leave on this world?  And in the end, what do I want to feel and receive from this world?  This world that is so full of infinite possibilities – and yet, how to choose?

There has been such a stirring within me lately, more than ever before.  I find myself teetering between complete inner calm and chaos.  I will go from pure content to a fiery desire for more- now!  I sense deeply within my being that there is so much more that I want to contribute to, to see, to do, to experience, to be a part of. 

This is my chance. This is it.  I find myself deeply examining everything about what I choose to surround myself with – and it is always a choice.  The people, the thoughts, the environment, it all.  I find myself wanting to step away from everything – social media being a huge part of that – and yet, at the same time I am truly aware of the profound impact it can have on one’s life.  And not in a bad way – but in an influencial, powerful and amazing way.  To be inspired by so many people on this planet – most I wouldn’t even know about was it not for the web.  People that have ideas, thoughts and aspirations similar to mine  - and perhaps more importantly, people that don’t – and those are the ones that I am learning the most from.

Learning how to spread my wings and speak my truth while being bold and aware enough to fully comprehend and surrender to the knowledge that, just as I am passionate to the core about something, it doesn’t mean that everyone will be.  While at the same token, being present enough within myself to still speak that truth that burns hot within me, and not be afraid of judgement or criticism – and instead, to walk with it; to add it to my pile of tools and gifts that I always carry around with me.

Being fully aware that that is just what we all are to one another – a gift.  This is something that is so deeply ingrained in my thoughts and heart.  I have had the deepest acknowledgment as of lately that, just as we are often blessed with the sight of a sudden shooting star or a rainbow in the clouds, so too are we blessed with every day interactions with fellow human beings.  And just like these sudden glimpses of nature at its finest, some of our blessed interactions are quick and fleeting, however they leave a deep impact on us.  I have never heard someone say: “did you see that shooting star last night?  Man, that was terrible.”  If we could all actively CHOOSE to see the beauty in every situation, in every interaction, maybe we would be able to easier see that they are all gifts.

Even the ones that leave us feeling weighed down, miserable or upset – they are gifts too.  How else would we know the true beauty and blessing of feeling loved without feeling the other side? How else would we grow and learn, mostly about ourselves, without feeling the residual effects of an interaction in our life that we see as “less than” ideal?

Mostly these last few months, I have become deeply aware of my thoughts and the patterns within them.  I am learning to accept those patterns that don’t serve my well-being – but instead of invoking harmful self-talk, I am kind to myself.  I accept the thought pattern for what it is – a previous coping mechanism – and then I give myself full permission to let it go.  To remind myself that it is no longer serving me – and by golly, it is truly working. 

I never fully know where this blog will take me – or my beautiful readers.  I have thought, more times than I can count, to just let it go.  But, something keeps pulling me back to it.  And instead of fighting it, I am following that pull.  For something that started 6 years ago with the intention of releasing feelings, as well as informing others, on our families well being, it has evolved deeper than that.  And while some of you know that I have actively made the decision to exclude my kids from any sort of social media, I keep coming back to this beautiful little space. 

I have struggled in the past with frustration at myself for not being a better communicator through the spoken word.  It is something that has been a fear of mine, for more reasons that I previously allowed myself to acknowledge.  Mostly, I tend to get tied up in the emotions of the spoken word, the energy within the interaction (which is a good thing!) – and it leaves me feeling like a blabbering mess, which, more often than not I am kicking myself later for not being more able to speak my truth.  While this is something that I am fully aware of and am working on improving, it has also been a huge blessing for me as it has allowed me to appreciate and utilize my ability at speaking my truth through writing.  This is, I believe, the main reason that I am so drawn to these pages – I can speak my truth fully and completely, in a way that comes natural to me.

And so, while we all weave along on this journey of life, it is my deepest desire that we are kinder during our interactions with each other.  Not that we have to agree, for some of the best conversations come from civil disagreements, but rather that we can co-exist and speak with love and gratitude to one another.  Regardless of what you may have been conditioned to believe, I feel that we are all on an equal playing field.  We all have the same amount of hours in a day, all have goals, desires, fears and struggles.  We all know what it feels like to be excited, to be disappointed, to be loved and to be disliked.  We all know the rich feeling that comes from a heart felt embrace, a deep conversation and a deep sense of gratitude.  Mostly, be kind to yourself.  Give yourself permission to have mental breaks, to step away from toxicity, and to truly step into your authentic self.  We only live this life once.  Make it a great one.