Here we goooooo!!!!

And here we are.  The day before school begins.  The very day before we embark on a new journey.  Such is life – journeys, “set backs”, victories, successes, new hopes, self discovery.  I feel that I have done all of those and more these past few years – haven’t we all?

As I sit in the office that we slowly have gotten ready for school (complete with my very own window seat!), I am truly smiling as I allow myself to let it sink in.  Up until about one week ago I didn’t let myself fully embrace what leaps and bounds I had made to get to where I am.  It wasn’t until a small comment was made by someone that I talk to here and there that it became real.  Her “you have worked hard for this, mama” comment shook me to the core.

I didn’t feel the core rattling until a few hours later.  But once I did, and since then, I have fully allowed myself to rock this feeling of pride.  Up until that moment I feel that I was telling myself that because I wasn’t about to embark on this school journey with where I initially intended, it was somehow less deserving of being celebrated.  Even though the process of fully coming into the realization that midwifery as a profession was not where I was heading was a big one, I still didn’t fully absorb it.  I have truly had this sense of peace when I let it sink in that I would not be applying to midwifery – but then I began to dig even deeper. 

As I have written before, I delved into “what nows?” and it didn’t take me very long to see the word “Social Work” in a whole new light.

And just like that, I  was hooked.  Reading any novel I can get on social work, women’s health and CAS and doing countless internet searches on jobs in the area – life after being a student.  And you know what?  It fills me to the brim with excitement.

So why then did it take me until just last week to fully allow myself to soak in the fruits of my labour thus far?  I sat back and reminded myself of how far I have come – from starting courses just after our youngest was born, to endless hours of researching and applying to schools.  Like a dear friend jokingly said today: “we have watched you start over there, and then you have done this rollercoaster of a ride and ended up over here!” Isn’t that the beauty of life?

And so, upon fully soaking in these delicious feelings of : “ oh my gosh, I am starting school tomorrow for Social Work!” I am also fully slathering myself in this realization that I am exactly where I am needed to be.  And it feels really fucking good.

And you know what else feels good? Going from feeling as though I didn’t belong at a school to going in there tomorrow totally rocking it.  I got this shit.  I have kids that have taught me to not sweat the small stuff.  I have a husband that reminds me to keep plugging away (even when I have wanted to quit).  I have amazing support and encouragement , that has come in all shapes and forms, which I am eternally thankful for.  But mostly, I have myself.  I can say truly that I have gone from “I don’t deserve this” to “Fuck ya I am going to Mac!”  That doesn’t mean that I am not nervous and anxious and curious as to the dynamic of being around 20 year olds. But you know what?  I belong there.

Even two weeks ago as I toured the campus with a beautiful soul (and third year midwifery student) I voiced my hesitation to belonging at such a place.  I marveled at the beauty of McMaster campus.  It is way bigger than I imagined.  It is far more beautiful than I imagined.  And the energy there is palpable.  Somewhere between that visit and today I have found myself rockin’ my Mac t-shirt and soaking in this feeling.  This feeling of excitement mixed with a bit of apprehension – but mostly made of knowing I am where I am meant to be.  I deserve to be walking that campus tomorrow alongside everyone else.

And I will do so with my new backpack, pencil case full of extra sharp pencils and binders that the kids picked out for me.  Wait, people still use binders and pencils right?

All we ever need is 20 seconds.

I have hesitated writing for a while.  I have ebbed and flowed between wanting to but holding back and having no interest.  I have re-evaluated why I desire to write on these pages and share them with anyone that takes the few minutes to read these words.  I have wanted to make sure that my reasons and desires for writing publicly match my inner feelings and true emotions.
There is so much I want to write.

I have had the hugest feeling these past few months (with the help of a yoga teacher reminding me) that it is not my duty to preach.  That, just because feelings, ideas or ways of life fit so well for me it doesn't ever mean that it is my "duty" to pass these onto others.
One of my biggest beliefs in this life is that we are all here to learn from one another.  However, for me I am being reminded that this doesn't mean I preach words.  We live by example. Just as Al and I lead by example with our kids, I feel deeply that in life, every day, at every encounter, we teach what we do.

It is no secret for those that read my original blog that I have always struggled with my sense of self worth.  I have a hard time speaking my truth.  This is been a huge life lesson to me and I feel, will continue to be.  I have always used writing as my preferred mode of communication - as the words seem to pour easier this way.  For a long time I felt that that was ok.  It was what it was.
I have learned something profound.  I am not growing by only communicating this way.  I am not fully embracing myself as a strong woman with powerful things worthy of being said.  I am doing myself a huge disservice.
While I struggle with confrontation, I have learned that it will provide me with my biggest life lessons.  I always see confrontation as a bad thing, something to be avoided, but I am learning that it only becomes that when I allow it to be.  It can be people disagreeing on something.  It can be people having a very emotional discussion.
I have always run fast at the first sight of them, or I close off.  What is interesting to me though is that, now that I am aware of this patterning of me, this survival mechanism, I am seeing how - for years and years - they have resulted in my not speaking my truth and ultimately causing confusion, hurt feelings and feelings of betrayal.   Over and over this has happened.

So, that is one main thing that I have learned these past few months.  I have sat in this "sticky" feeling.  I have wrote about it in my journal.  I have re-lived many conversations and situations.  And I will admit that it's not "enjoyable."  In fact, there are more times than not that I want to leave the feelings and retreat back to "safety" (see - there's that patterning coming out again).  But I am sticking with it.
And while I am stepping up more and acknowledging (often with a heavy heart) where I have been hurtful to others by not being authentic in my feelings right away, I am doing just as much self-work reminding myself that I am a being worthy of protecting myself.
For me, it often feels like a balance; of being authentic and stepping into my truth while also protecting my heart and soul.

Want to hear something really honest?  I discovered for myself that the reason I am drawn to helping women so much - to lifting them up and empowering them - is in part because that's what I have yearned for within myself.  To feel worthy, empowered and mighty.  Once I made this discovery about myself, more pieces of the Angela jigsaw began to fall into place.  Don't get me wrong, the jigsaw is far from "complete" - in fact, I suspect there will always be pieces missing and getting moved around - but that's not the point I feel.  The point is that I dumped the box full of 2,300,8077 puzzle pieces to begin with and decided to take a closer look - and for anyone that knows me, you may know that I loathe putting together puzzles. - hmmmmm, perhaps another lesson to be considered ;)

The point I feel, of all this, is that to be completely honest with others, I need to be completely honest and raw with myself first.
And also, sometimes I get random words in my head that honestly stay there until I make sense of them.  For a while now I keep hearing "self-righteous".  This is a very great opportunity for me to examine where in my life I am acting superior.  Where am I still living un-authentically and seeing my views and morals as "better than"?  Sitting on this feeling is another example of me sitting in the "stickiness".  Of being with myself.

Often times I think of how I hope my children grow up to be.  And once again, this feeling of self-righteousness comes into play.  I have learned that, for me, I am doing them a huge disservice.  My intentions are well enough - but it's not my "job" to mold them into the adults I want them to be.  All I can do is lead by example.  They will take the lessons they need.  I once read a quote that was really hard for me to grasp at first but now makes so much more sense to me.
While the exact words escape my mind, the meaning I took from it has stayed: our children don't belong to us.  As their mama it is up to me to provide them with protection, shelter, tons of love and freedom to explore their individuality.  But they don't belong to me.  I have been blessed to have been chosen as their mom, to help them as much as I can, but ultimately they are individuals.

I really love that.

And that, for those of you that I have on Facebook or who read our original blog which had a lot of family content on it, is why I stopped posting about them. They are their own people.  Just because I am their mom, it doesn't make it my "right" to post photos, etc about them.
Those are my feelings about that - and just like anything in life, it has no reflection on my feelings on what others decide to do.  Because at the end of the day, we all do what's best for us, in that moment.  That's all we can do.

And with that that feeling always close in my heart, I am constantly reminded that I think we all are doing the very best we can, at every moment, with what we have.  That has been life lesson #3456 I have learned lately - and keep being reminded of.

While driving home from Tobermory yesterday (which was truly incredible), the kids were watching a movie.  One that we have seen many times before but it was the first time I took this simple sentence straight into my heart.  The first time I really heard it: "all we ever need is 20 seconds."  That's it. 20 seconds to make an impact.  To speak our truth.  To give a deep, meaningful hug.  A smile.  Check in with ourselves.  20 seconds.  I love that a lot.

I feel it - I am in a much different place than I was in this time last year. I am being kinder to myself.  That's not to say that I am always, because truth be told it's a long, deep self-pattern that may take a while to fully break free from.  But I am aware of it like never before and damn, that is friggan empowering and awesome.
But what I feel the most freed by is that I now recognize that being where I was last year wasn't any less than where I am today.  It was where I was supposed to be.  I have learned to be gentler with myself in part because I allowed myself to dig deep into how I was treating myself last summer.  And looking back on my journal certainly helped with that too.  But again, it's a life long process, I feel.

I am incredibly, tremendously excited for what this year holds.  I am super stoked to begin university in the Fall.  I can't wait to soak in the juicy, deep and insightful lectures.  I am just as excited though to keep learning the lessons - that are just as juicy and deep - in my day to day life.  To learn from myself but also just as much from everyone that I am lucky enough to encounter. Lessons -all around us.

Truly, deeply, from my heart of hearts to yours - thank you.  If we have met, if we haven't - if we haven't talked in a while, if we recently have chatted - I thank you truly for being a fellow being on this planet.  I think I can safely say that this glorious thing called life can also be hard as shit. Thanks for being a part of it.
I thank you also for taking time to read my Saturday morning chat.  Honestly, it may mean more than you even know.
We are in this together.  Much love.
Ange
xo

My real feelings on my post baby bod.

This post is a very honest, true post.  One that makes me nervous to write but I am so inspired and encouraged by other women.  THIS website and these women's stories are speaking straight inside my heart.  I am finding myself crying, nodding in agreement and applauding them for their bravery. And now I sit here thinking to myself, 'since when did being honest with ourselves and loving our bodies become brave?'  When did it become something that needs to be worked towards and achieved? At what point did we have it instilled in us that us, just as we are, is not enough?

For me personally, it started in 7th grade.  It was around that time that some girls were starting to develop and I was surely not.  I waited, I prayed, I did it all.  One day surely, I would have these boobs that all these other girls were flaunting around.
And as I write this, as a 31 year old woman, I can still feel that feeling.  And as I feel that familiar feeling of desperation, I wonder 'why was I so desperate?' At what point in my 7th grade year did it become painfully clear to me that boobs were something you either had or didn't and why did it matter anyways?

From that point I was fully aware that I was not nearly as well endowed as the other gals in most of my classes.  I struggled with what bathing suit to wear that would make me look more bustier, stuffed my bra and as a teen began looking into breast enlargements.  As a teen!  Instead of filling my self worthy cup, I was going way into the other direction.

Then I became pregnant and suddenly got what I had always wanted since 12 years old.   Boobs.  They leaked, they ached and my nipples were raw and sore, but dammit, I had boobs!  Fast forward 7 years and three kids and my nursing and pregnancy days - along with my "big" boobs - are gone.  Add to that some saggy skin, cellulite and stretch marks and I could have a recipe for some sweet self pity.  Instead, I rejoice.  Truly.

Having had 4 miscarriages, I feel even more aware of being thankful for my body.  For allowing me to grow and nourish 3 out of my 7 pregnancies to full term.  For being able to nurse 3 babies for over a year at a time.  Every mark on my stomach marks a time in one of my pregnancies when my body and skin expanded even more to make room for the remarkable little beings that I am honoured to call my children.  While I coco-buttered and hydrated to the nines with my pregnancies, my skin had other plans.  There really isn't anything that could have prevented certain changes to my body during pregnancy, and to be honest, I am getting to a point where I wouldn't want it to.

While I still am very hyper aware of my different body post three pregnancies, I can say firmly and proudly that every day I am more appreciative of it.
I wont lie and say that at almost every yoga class I don't adjust my shirt in downward facing dog at least three times to ensure my muffin top doesn't peek out - but what I will say is that I am expanding.  My appreciation and self-gratitude is truly at an all time high - somewhere that it should have always been.  Where it probably was at the end of grade 6, when I was still oblivious to what was later forced on me to be "beauty" and "sexy" in high school.

Man, I wish I could go back to 12 year old Ange and tell her how perfect she was.  To tell her that she would grow into a woman that would have three amazing children and in the process remember what it feels like to be perfectly, amazingly content in herself - body and soul.

These last couple of months have truly brought me further than I thought possible.  I knew that yoga training would expand my being but I didn't really KNOW what it would entail.
I have begun to scrape away the negative, stinky ol' residue that reeked of depleted self worth, judgement and fear.  I have begun chipping away and uncovering WHY I have dealt so long with these feelings and where they come from.  And I am learning to look at these thoughts, just as I am looking at my body, with no judgement or expectations but rather love.  That's it.  Just love.

I am so incredibly blessed to have a husband that loves and adores me for who I am.  And that is perfect because I love him just the same.  For who he is.  But at the end of the day, it is no one else's job to fill up my love cup to the brim but me.
 It begins with self-love. And just like I can't fill up anyone else's cup, I can help pour a few ounces at a time into it.  Sometimes it helps to have someone who has nothing but love for us to top us up a bit when our cup is a bit low that day.  You know the slow drip coffee maker that takes forever to fill a cup up?  Those are the best kind. Because in the process of waiting and anticipating what you know will be a very savoured and delectable cup of joe, you are forced to be in the moment.  And when that cup is finally full, you relish and take in every moment of it. It tastes so much better.

When we take the time to fill our own cup, I find that is when the cup stays full longer.  And not only that, it means more.  It's like the fancy, organic, grind yourself coffee beans that are way more money than the regular maxwell house cup. But when you splurge on those guys, you know you are in for a treat. That is self love.  It means so much - the only difference is it doesn't cost anything.  It is always at our fingertips, aching to be noticed.  It is the voice that says you are enough.
And when you start dripping that dark roast of deliciousness into your cup, soon you notice it starts spilling over into other peoples cups.  That's the beauty of it - you can never have enough.  When we become fully, completely at peace and in love with who we are, it's almost instantaneous that that feeling and appreciate spills over into other aspects and other people in our lives.

All of this realization and gratitude coming from my memories of what it felt like to be 12 year old Angela.  She still comes out every once in a while, her insecurities and confusion in the forefront of my mind but now I understand and respect where those feelings are coming from.  And instead of shoving those away, I am learning to see them for what they are and face them.  For every feeling, every thought, even if it's just a flicker, means something and is something to be respected.

More than anything, these last few months I am learning to not only love myself but also to love others with no conditions.  No expectations.  To support other women in ways that feed my soul.  And in writing this post about my post pregnancy body and pre-teen insecurities, I only hope that it sparks other women to dig deep and begin to uncover any feelings they may have of themselves that are anything but perfect.  And then to take it one step further and be brave and love yourself enough to change those thoughts - right now.  You are worth every ounce of love and acceptance - first and foremost from yourself.
And if you find yourself in need of a hug, or if you want me to show you my post-baby body to show you how serious I am about self love and acceptance, I am here and willing.

So much love and support to all of you beautiful beings.

A glistening web - *very first blog post!*

The freshness of a crisp, white piece of paper in my journal, the potential in a blinking cursor on the computer screen  - that is bliss to me.  The chance to start fresh, in that moment – while at the same time, starting off from where I left off.  Such is life.  Every day is a fresh, new chance – and opportunity from the lessons we have learned.  The lessons are all around us.  

Every encounter we have, decision we make or even a thought that may seem to last even a split second – they are all lessons.  They are all part of this beautiful web of life – a web that is full of twists and turns, ebbs and flows, bumps and smooth patches.

  We could be seen as that beautiful spider (which is a big thing for me to say as they give me the heebie jeebies – but who’s to say that we don’t provide spiders with the same effect?), this miracle really of a creature who patiently, softly, delicately spins the most perfect web.  The web in which they will catch their food, catch some zzzz’s and possibly birth babies.  To them, that is enough.  That web, full of life, purity and I would even say hope, is enough.

Our life could be thought of as our web.  This glistening, intricate, often messy but always functional (even on some level), profound life.

This blog, this very first post, these words, are my first string of a tiny side web that branches off of some of my other connecting webs of my life.  A place where I can share my fears, hopes, concerns and love for myself and for everyone else.  I choose to start fresh because it’s time.  It’s time for me to leave behind a very beloved blog that started almost 5 years ago.  It will stay tucked away safely for my reading (and crying) pleasure.  I am learning that what I choose to write about and share on these pages should be about the one and only person that I have full discretion to write about.  It is not my “duty” nor is it my “right” to write about anyone else, regardless of my good intentions.  We are all sacred, amazing and wholesome individuals.  All I can write about for sure is my experience in this crazy, amazing, wonderful web of life.

I hope that you join me.  I truly hope that this blog reaches a part in your hearts – whether it be because what I am saying and feeling may resonate with you, or maybe even the exact opposite.   I am sharing.  I share my life, my thoughts and my experiences with you because deep in my soul I feel that that is what we are here on this earth to do.

I feel compelled to share a quote by Deepak Chopra in his book The Spontaneous Fulfillment of Desire (thanks dad!):

“Nothing would exist were it not for a remarkable set of coincidences.  I once read an article describing the Big Bang Theory that gave birth to the universe.  In that moment the number of particles created were slightly more than the number of antiparticles.  These then collided and annihilated each other, filling the universe with photons.  Because of the initial imbalance, there were a few particles left after the annihilation and these created what we know now as the material world.  You and I and the rest of the universe, including all the stars and galaxies are leftover stuff from the moment of creation.”

 He then goes on to speak about how if the number of particles had been even slightly greater, gravitational forces would have caused the universe to collapse on itself. If  the number had been even a tad lower, the universe would have expanded so fast that there would have been no time for galaxies to form.  So the fact that I am writing this, that you are reading it, that we are living and breathing on planet earth in this universe is such a miracle – a coincidence.  

This final quote of his really speaks to me: “Just because we cannot observe miracles the way we marvel over magic tricks – with instantaneous gratification – does not mean that they are not occurring.  Many miracles take time to be revealed and appreciated.”

You are a miracle – you have light and love and lessons to teach. 

This is something that I am learning myself, over and over again, because I tend to not get this lesson very easily.  The lesson of Self-Love and Apprecation.  I recently had a bit of a cry during my third day at Yoga Teacher Training as I struggled to explain my guilt and apprehension of attending these amazing, life changing classes –even though I know it’s a part of my soul work.  The pressure I have put on myself to be using my time away from my family with something that makes money is ridiculous – and I know it – however I still struggle with it. (Just keepin’ it real here).  While, for me, there is a huge sense of fulfillment and pride in pursing my heart’s desires, along with that comes a huge sense of guilt.  It seems like such a paradox, and yet here those feelings are, riding this wave of Yoga Teacher Training together.  One of my deepest, most intimate hopes for this amazing training is to become one with myself.  To be at peace with every decision I have made.  To have a deep sense of love and worth for myself.  This is something that I have struggled with for as long as I can remember.

  I was the person in the hall at school that made a point of moving out of the way for other people, afraid of being  a nuisance to someone and still at the same time, was very aware and sympathetic towards those that I also saw doing the same thing.  Perhaps that’s a part of the lesson.  Those folks that have low self-esteem, trying to “fit in” (although I am seeing now that that doesn’t exist) and want desperately to be liked – I get them.  I am them.  Perhaps in the grand scheme of things, we may all be a little bit.

And then it goes full circle – the deep realization that we are all here for each other.  Spinning webs, riding waves or travelling down windy roads – whichever visualization works for you – alongside each other.  While our own journeys are that – our own – there is something so truly awe-inspiring and really quite beautiful in the visual of all of us, banded together, in this world – this beautiful, miracle of a world.

Thank you from the very bottom of my heart for taking the time to check out my new, fresh and hopeful blog.  It means the world to me.  Truly.