I have hesitated writing for a while. I have ebbed and flowed between wanting to but holding back and having no interest. I have re-evaluated why I desire to write on these pages and share them with anyone that takes the few minutes to read these words. I have wanted to make sure that my reasons and desires for writing publicly match my inner feelings and true emotions.
There is so much I want to write.
I have had the hugest feeling these past few months (with the help of a yoga teacher reminding me) that it is not my duty to preach. That, just because feelings, ideas or ways of life fit so well for me it doesn't ever mean that it is my "duty" to pass these onto others.
One of my biggest beliefs in this life is that we are all here to learn from one another. However, for me I am being reminded that this doesn't mean I preach words. We live by example. Just as Al and I lead by example with our kids, I feel deeply that in life, every day, at every encounter, we teach what we do.
It is no secret for those that read my original blog that I have always struggled with my sense of self worth. I have a hard time speaking my truth. This is been a huge life lesson to me and I feel, will continue to be. I have always used writing as my preferred mode of communication - as the words seem to pour easier this way. For a long time I felt that that was ok. It was what it was.
I have learned something profound. I am not growing by only communicating this way. I am not fully embracing myself as a strong woman with powerful things worthy of being said. I am doing myself a huge disservice.
While I struggle with confrontation, I have learned that it will provide me with my biggest life lessons. I always see confrontation as a bad thing, something to be avoided, but I am learning that it only becomes that when I allow it to be. It can be people disagreeing on something. It can be people having a very emotional discussion.
I have always run fast at the first sight of them, or I close off. What is interesting to me though is that, now that I am aware of this patterning of me, this survival mechanism, I am seeing how - for years and years - they have resulted in my not speaking my truth and ultimately causing confusion, hurt feelings and feelings of betrayal. Over and over this has happened.
So, that is one main thing that I have learned these past few months. I have sat in this "sticky" feeling. I have wrote about it in my journal. I have re-lived many conversations and situations. And I will admit that it's not "enjoyable." In fact, there are more times than not that I want to leave the feelings and retreat back to "safety" (see - there's that patterning coming out again). But I am sticking with it.
And while I am stepping up more and acknowledging (often with a heavy heart) where I have been hurtful to others by not being authentic in my feelings right away, I am doing just as much self-work reminding myself that I am a being worthy of protecting myself.
For me, it often feels like a balance; of being authentic and stepping into my truth while also protecting my heart and soul.
Want to hear something really honest? I discovered for myself that the reason I am drawn to helping women so much - to lifting them up and empowering them - is in part because that's what I have yearned for within myself. To feel worthy, empowered and mighty. Once I made this discovery about myself, more pieces of the Angela jigsaw began to fall into place. Don't get me wrong, the jigsaw is far from "complete" - in fact, I suspect there will always be pieces missing and getting moved around - but that's not the point I feel. The point is that I dumped the box full of 2,300,8077 puzzle pieces to begin with and decided to take a closer look - and for anyone that knows me, you may know that I loathe putting together puzzles. - hmmmmm, perhaps another lesson to be considered ;)
The point I feel, of all this, is that to be completely honest with others, I need to be completely honest and raw with myself first.
And also, sometimes I get random words in my head that honestly stay there until I make sense of them. For a while now I keep hearing "self-righteous". This is a very great opportunity for me to examine where in my life I am acting superior. Where am I still living un-authentically and seeing my views and morals as "better than"? Sitting on this feeling is another example of me sitting in the "stickiness". Of being with myself.
Often times I think of how I hope my children grow up to be. And once again, this feeling of self-righteousness comes into play. I have learned that, for me, I am doing them a huge disservice. My intentions are well enough - but it's not my "job" to mold them into the adults I want them to be. All I can do is lead by example. They will take the lessons they need. I once read a quote that was really hard for me to grasp at first but now makes so much more sense to me.
While the exact words escape my mind, the meaning I took from it has stayed: our children don't belong to us. As their mama it is up to me to provide them with protection, shelter, tons of love and freedom to explore their individuality. But they don't belong to me. I have been blessed to have been chosen as their mom, to help them as much as I can, but ultimately they are individuals.
I really love that.
And that, for those of you that I have on Facebook or who read our original blog which had a lot of family content on it, is why I stopped posting about them. They are their own people. Just because I am their mom, it doesn't make it my "right" to post photos, etc about them.
Those are my feelings about that - and just like anything in life, it has no reflection on my feelings on what others decide to do. Because at the end of the day, we all do what's best for us, in that moment. That's all we can do.
And with that that feeling always close in my heart, I am constantly reminded that I think we all are doing the very best we can, at every moment, with what we have. That has been life lesson #3456 I have learned lately - and keep being reminded of.
While driving home from Tobermory yesterday (which was truly incredible), the kids were watching a movie. One that we have seen many times before but it was the first time I took this simple sentence straight into my heart. The first time I really heard it: "all we ever need is 20 seconds." That's it. 20 seconds to make an impact. To speak our truth. To give a deep, meaningful hug. A smile. Check in with ourselves. 20 seconds. I love that a lot.
I feel it - I am in a much different place than I was in this time last year. I am being kinder to myself. That's not to say that I am always, because truth be told it's a long, deep self-pattern that may take a while to fully break free from. But I am aware of it like never before and damn, that is friggan empowering and awesome.
But what I feel the most freed by is that I now recognize that being where I was last year wasn't any less than where I am today. It was where I was supposed to be. I have learned to be gentler with myself in part because I allowed myself to dig deep into how I was treating myself last summer. And looking back on my journal certainly helped with that too. But again, it's a life long process, I feel.
I am incredibly, tremendously excited for what this year holds. I am super stoked to begin university in the Fall. I can't wait to soak in the juicy, deep and insightful lectures. I am just as excited though to keep learning the lessons - that are just as juicy and deep - in my day to day life. To learn from myself but also just as much from everyone that I am lucky enough to encounter. Lessons -all around us.
Truly, deeply, from my heart of hearts to yours - thank you. If we have met, if we haven't - if we haven't talked in a while, if we recently have chatted - I thank you truly for being a fellow being on this planet. I think I can safely say that this glorious thing called life can also be hard as shit. Thanks for being a part of it.
I thank you also for taking time to read my Saturday morning chat. Honestly, it may mean more than you even know.
We are in this together. Much love.
Ange
xo
