Ten years of motherhood.

I have been really mindful lately of myself as a mom.  I have also been more aware of the titles and roles that we tend to label ourselves, based on society's perceptions of us and how we, in turn, relate those perceptions into our own 'truths.' More often than not, I have been aiming to step away from those roles, recognizing that, in my own 'idea' of myself, they do not define me. For example, how often are we asked upon first meeting someone: "what do you do for a living?" I take that question often two ways. First, it places a strong emphasis on what we do as a job, which in turn places us in 'categories' based on that role.  Secondly, asking that question has the potential for someone to perceive that their worth in society, and ultimately as a human being, lies in where they rank in terms of contributing to a capitalist society.  Those are my musing, and I'm sticking with them. ;)

All this to say, I, by social standards, fit into many roles. And to completely do a 180 and turn the above musings on their head, I must say that the role in my life in which I embrace fully is that of a mother.  The opportunity that has been placed in my hands to assist in not only creating but really, developing a human being is mind-blowing. No one tells you this when you are expecting a child. At least, I missed the memo.

No one told me that, for all of the hours of nursing and pacing with a screaming baby, there would be that times infinity hours of worrying that I am instilling proper values in their hearts.

No one told me that, for all of the tears I cried through sleepless nights and chapped nipples, there would be hours upon hours of tears shed even thinking about their future heartaches and tough lessons to be learned.

No one told me that for the countless baby belly laughs and juicy, wet baby kisses, there would be even more inward smiles of gratitude and appreciation as I recall conversations in which their beautiful character and abundant soul was extremely prevalent. 

What I was told was that it would be hard, it would be frustrating, and at a times, I might want nothing more than to retreat into blissful silence.  And they were right.  I have been full of frustrations, I have wondered how I will get through another day as a mother and I have most certainly locked myself in the only room with a lock (the bathroom) on numerous occasions with a glass of wine or a box of kleenex. 

And somehow, time rolls on.  I eventually leave my bathroom oasis and step back into the chaos that is motherhood. And, now that the kids are getting older the type of chaos is shifting.  While there are ample arguments happening often, the true chaos is within myself.  

As our oldest turns ten years old this weekend, I have been overwhelmed.  So overcome with emotion and concerns, but also extreme happiness and pride, that I found myself breaking down in tears at the photo center recently while I printed pictures of our oldest through the years.  As images of her popped through the instant photo machine one at a time, I was immediately whisked away to her birth, her first birthday, and her silly toothless grin.  

Instead of feeling this sense of overwhelm and doing whatever I can to relieve myself of it, I am trying to sit with it. 

I am completely awe-struck that somehow, ten years has come and gone. I know that is such a cliche comment. Hear me out. As I have shifted so much in my sense of myself within the last ten years (as we all have, certainly), here is this human being that was brand - new and has somehow moved along in life to this point.  This human being and incredible soul who has already established her morals and her character.  While I can see that her beliefs, that are unique and true to her, are being formed, who she truly is as as individual has been established.  That is some powerful stuff!

While I don't feel that it's my place to discuss her character or morals (that is her jam!) I feel comfortable and confident in saying that she is an incredibly bad-ass person.  In the absolute best way.

She makes me laugh, sometimes harder than anyone else, which still surprises me sometimes as she can be quite quiet.  And the conversations we have! I feel so blessed that I can be a part of some incredibly juicy, thoughtful and amazing conversations with an almost ten year old, with the soul of someone much older.

As a mother of an almost ten year old, I feel that I can safely say one thing about my experience of motherhood so far: 

Always, always be mindful that the conversations you have with your child, and the ones with yourself and others (that they hear!) are saturated in truth, empathy and understanding.

I heard a great quote once about parenting and it has become my informal 'motto' ever since: 

"raise your children not for the type of child that you want them to become, but for the type of adult that you hope they will be."

That's a lot of friggan pressure as a parent! But, in my mind and heart, that is the best kind of pressure to have.  To be responsible for holding space and having conversations for our children that, in turn, create more empathetic and authentic adults is just what this world needs. 

And without getting 'braggy', I am pretty confident that our almost ten year old is well on her way.

xo

Ange

  A photo of a photo - 34 weeks pregnant (Feb. 2008)