And here we are. The
day before school begins. The very day
before we embark on a new journey. Such
is life – journeys, “set backs”, victories, successes, new hopes, self
discovery. I feel that I have done all
of those and more these past few years – haven’t we all?
As I sit in the office that we slowly have gotten ready for
school (complete with my very own window seat!), I am truly smiling as I allow myself
to let it sink in. Up until about one
week ago I didn’t let myself fully embrace what leaps and bounds I had made to
get to where I am. It wasn’t until a
small comment was made by someone that I talk to here and there that it became
real. Her “you have worked hard for
this, mama” comment shook me to the core.
I didn’t feel the core rattling until a few hours
later. But once I did, and since then, I
have fully allowed myself to rock this feeling of pride. Up until that moment I feel that I was
telling myself that because I wasn’t about to embark on this school journey
with where I initially intended, it was somehow less deserving of being
celebrated. Even though the process of
fully coming into the realization that midwifery as a profession was not where
I was heading was a big one, I still didn’t fully absorb it. I have truly had this sense of peace when I let
it sink in that I would not be applying to midwifery – but then I began to dig
even deeper.
As I have written before, I delved into “what nows?” and it didn’t
take me very long to see the word “Social Work” in a whole new light.
And just like that, I
was hooked. Reading any novel I
can get on social work, women’s health and CAS and doing countless internet
searches on jobs in the area – life after being a student. And you know what? It fills me to the brim with excitement.
So why then did it take me until just last week to fully
allow myself to soak in the fruits of my labour thus far? I sat back and reminded myself of how far I
have come – from starting courses just after our youngest was born, to endless
hours of researching and applying to schools.
Like a dear friend jokingly said today: “we have watched you start over
there, and then you have done this rollercoaster of a ride and ended up over here!”
Isn’t that the beauty of life?
And so, upon fully soaking in these delicious feelings of : “
oh my gosh, I am starting school tomorrow for Social Work!” I am also fully
slathering myself in this realization that I am exactly where I am needed to
be. And it feels really fucking good.
And you know what else feels good? Going from feeling as
though I didn’t belong at a school to going in there tomorrow totally rocking
it. I got this shit. I have kids that have taught me to not sweat
the small stuff. I have a husband that
reminds me to keep plugging away (even when I have wanted to quit). I have amazing support and encouragement ,
that has come in all shapes and forms, which I am eternally thankful for. But mostly, I have myself. I can say truly that I have gone from “I don’t
deserve this” to “Fuck ya I am going to Mac!”
That doesn’t mean that I am not nervous and anxious and curious as to
the dynamic of being around 20 year olds. But you know what? I belong there.
Even two weeks ago as I toured the campus with a beautiful
soul (and third year midwifery student) I voiced my hesitation to belonging at
such a place. I marveled at the beauty
of McMaster campus. It is way bigger
than I imagined. It is far more
beautiful than I imagined. And the energy
there is palpable. Somewhere between
that visit and today I have found myself rockin’ my Mac t-shirt and soaking in
this feeling. This feeling of excitement
mixed with a bit of apprehension – but mostly made of knowing I am where I am
meant to be. I deserve to be walking
that campus tomorrow alongside everyone else.
And I will do so with my new backpack, pencil case full of
extra sharp pencils and binders that the kids picked out for me. Wait, people still use binders and pencils
right?
